Friday, January 21, 2005

Happy Friday, Sponge Bob, and Possessed Treadmills

I'd like to begin this entry with the following announcement:

Despite what you've heard (James Dobson from Focus on the Family is harping on this lately), Spongebob is - you guessed it - a sponge. An animated sponge at that.  Yes, he holds hands with his best friend Patrick, a cartoon starfish, sometimes, which is sweet.  He watches a show with characters named Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.  However, he's a cartoon sponge, for crying out loud. 

I watch Spongebob with my children because I love cartoons.  He's adorable and downright hilarious at times. 

This kind of reminds me of the Teletubby Scare of 1998-99.  Paranoia will destroy ya.  (pssst!! what about Bugs Bunny??  He used to kiss Elmer Fudd all the time, and loved to dress in drag!!  GASP!) 

C'mon, you have to admit it's a bit silly.


I have a fear of exercise machines. I'm working on that though, and I've braved the dreaded squat machine that often falls or flips over on people.  In fact, I did one too many squats last night and all the muscles in the lower half of my body are screaming in pain today.  You have to admit, some of those things look like midieval torture devices.  I've discovered that the gym with all its scary equipment is a necessary evil, because I downright refuse to watch and do another Denise Austin exercise tape.  Never again.

Even flown off the back of a treadmill?  If you don't fall, its kind of cool.  You can sort of walk off and act like "I meant to do that".  Like a signature dismount or something.  I have learned the hard way on more than one occasion that exercise machines are dangerous.

The Treadmill Incident:  Years ago, I bought myself a treadmill for my birthday, and used it religiously.  I even got to the point where I'd incline it to get my heart rateup, and run on the thing.  Then it happened.  One day I wasn't paying close attention, and I stepped too far forward.  The toe of my right shoe got caught in between the belt and the outer casing of the machine, and sucked me in. 

Yes, they make safety keys to prevent this type of incident from occurring, but I thought safety keys were for wimps, so it was in the hole, not hanging around my neck like its supposed to be. 

So, I'm caught in the machine by the toe of my right shoe, which has now pulled my right leg all the way to the front of the machine.  Of course this caught me off-guard, so my other foot stayed on the belt and went all the way backwards.  I begin to desperately try to pry myself loose, while the skin of my left knee is being rapidly burned off by the still rotating belt.  This produced a really cool noise (like tires spinning on wet streets), but it hurt like a monkey.  Amidst the smell of burning flesh, I call out to my family.  No one comes.  I scream.  No one comes.  Panic sets in.

Finally, I use what's left of my left leg and both arms to hurl myself upright and stay airborn for a long enough time to yank the safety key out of the slot, stopping the machine, before slamming back down on the blackened flesh of my knee.  I yank my foot loose and lay on the floor for a few minutes, trying to gather my senses and not pass out. 

Now I imagine that whole incident took about 3 minutes, but of course it seemed like forever.  Everyone was in the house, the kids were watching TV in the very next room and not one of them heard me shreaking for help.  That selective deafness is just insane.

It took my poor knee about a month to heal, and I never got on that evil treadmill again.  In fact I sold it to my boss, who gave it to his girlfriend for Valentine's Day.  (Yes I had the discussion with him about giving a woman gifts with cords.  Definate no no.)  Anyway, do you know that evil treadmill shocked his girlfriend about a month after she started using it?  I kid you not.  Told you its evil.  Or possessed.  Or both.

Lesson learned:  those safety thingies and warnings are on our exercise machines for a reason.  One must step on the squat machine before lifting the things up, or it falls over.  Wear your safety key when you run on your treadmill.  Use these machines for the purpose they were intended for.

Or maybe Kris is just too big of a spaz to be allowed near exercise equipment?  Maybe the warning needs to read "uncoordinated, spazzy dorks should not use this piece of equipment, even under close adult supervision."


Wow.  Yet another educational entry.  I'm on a roll. 

I'm off to enjoy my diet cherry coke now.  Go me.

Happy Friday!!


martinsek5 said...

James Dobson is such an idiot!  UGH.   Have a great weekend :-)  Pamela

sonensmilinmon said...

Sponge Bob is adorable! :-)  James ... ?!?!?!? go figure.
Enjoyed your entry, still keep the treadmill away from me. ::sigh::


emenemz said...

Mom why must you tell everyone about my selective hearing.
The treadmill is evil but you are a Spaz!!!
Why did you give it to your bosses wife if you KNEW it was an evil killing thing!?!?!?
hint hint wink wink
.....And as for the whole evil spongebob-telitubies thing its just affense anyone who agrees with the phyco stupid old people!!!!
(hehe) I hope I don't get like that when I get older!!But knowing who I'm related to (mom) I don't think its posible!!!

andreakingme said...

Oh my God, Kris, you're a (hah, hah) treadmill victim? Pardon me for laughing during your stint of doing the splits while your foot was held hostage. Poor (hah, hah) girl.

Oh man, this entry won you one of my primal monkey bark laughs just imagining it happening. I feel for you, I really, REALLY do, but the picture in my head ... uh-hah-hah-hah!

Shit, now I'm going to have a phobia of treadmills. I walk on one at the club. Just a fast walk because Andrea don't run, no ma'am. I've already imagined myself falling off the thing, but now I have something new to imagine: the toe biter.

(I almost fell off the elliptical machine today. My almost fall was witnessed by two men, too! Damn them.)

jeff466 said...

I had a similar possessed treadmill incident.  I parked my treadmill too close to the wall, about 4 inches away.  My signiture dismount involved my feet getting stuck between the belt and the wall while the belt was still moving (I didnt heed the saftey key either).  I had the noises and the burning flesh incident as well-needless to say if I ever get a demon treadmill again, it'll have at least 3 feet clearance away from the wall!!!  Not as bad as yours sounds though, no wonder you sold it!

I think it is silly when these people go after harmless cartoons-it's almost like they are running out of material!  I admit I watch spongebob and I can't imagine why it would be the topic of concern!

Have a good week :)   Jeff

saccohome said...

FUNNY--thanks for the laugh--I enjoy your jounal --much--Love, Mary

coy1234787 said...

Oh noooooo say it aint so.
Why are all of the good ones
either gay or married?
just kidding ... sort of.
Love Sponge Bob!

  *** Coy ***