Wednesday, February 9, 2005

Things I've Learned...

I just love Foamy the Squirrel.  The pic above is from a cartoon called "Amityville Toaster".  (Warning:  this is evidence of my entirely sick sense of humor and is not kid friendly due to language.)  Foamy orders a possessed toaster off Ebay and interesting stuff happens.  "make breakfast spooky!"

******

I thought I'd continue the series of public service announcements by sharing things I've learned the hard way over the years, in no particular order of importance or value.  We used to call these "mom things" when I was growing up - stuff mom would share with you to avoid future embarassment and/or injury. 

*   Never use oven cleaner to clean your toaster.  I know I've mentioned this before, but its worth mentioning again.  Your toaster will melt from the inside out, and toxic fumes will fill your kitchen.  (It does make a cool sizzling noise though!)  NOTE:  Oven cleaner is to be used ONLY for (guess what!) ... CLEANING OVENS.

*   Never use a sharp object (like a straight pin or a needle) to separate mascara-coated eyelashes.  Ever.  (Ouch.  Pain.  Tears.  Severe eye injury.  Doctor.  Lecture.  Recovery.)

*  Never apply makeup while driving, even up a residential street.  (curbs!)

*  Never use a screwdriver to clean cobwebs out of electrical outlets.  (I swear I didn't do that - a relative did.  Big hair resulted from that experiment.)

*   Never stick anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.  Your docs and the warnings on various boxes tell you that stuff for a reason.  (Ouch.  Doctor.  Lecture.)

*   Never leave any aeresol cans in your vehicle, regardless of the weather or temperature outside.  A very small spray bottle of perfume can easily tear a headliner and blow out all the instrument control panels in your car.  (boom!)

*   Never try to be lazy and "bowl" ketchup bottles to your daughter across a tiled kitchen floor from the table to the fridge to put away.  Glass bottles don't bowl, they explode.

*    When the warning lights (aka "idiot lights") come on in your car, its usually already too late.  Don't think you can make it to the next anything.  Get off the highway and to the nearest gas station.  (Running out of gas in company vehicle and having boss find you stranded.  Lecture.  Humiliation.  Joke of the week at work.)

*  Creating little torches using a lighter and hairspray can cause major bad stuff to happen, like catching your mother's wall hanging on fire, or having the aeresol can explode into tiny fragments in your hands.  (Friends' teenage idiocy.)

*   Treadmills come with safety keys for a reason (see treadmill entry).  Exercise equipment is dangerous, and instructions need to be read.

*   Don't consume more than the suggested serving amount of sugar free candy.  Bad tummy stuff will happen.  Trust me on this one.  (won't even go there)

*   Bleach melts stuff, and burns holes in textiles.  Dilute, dilute, dilute, and never mix bleach with anything.  (Toxic fumes.  Coughing.  Same stuff used in world wars to kill people.)

*   Never snort with a straw up your nose, especially if the other end of said straw is in your cola beverage.  (Dork behavior, intense laughter causing snort, pain combined with hysterical laughter, kicked out of fast food restaurant.)

*  Don't sneeze with a mouthful of anything if you can help it.  In emergencies, don't bother with etiquette - let it all out.

*  Don't  fall asleep with a fudgecicle in your hand.  (self explanatory)

*  The following coffee preparation things are flammable:  powdered coffee creamer, Equal, and Sweet-n-Low.  Bottom line - don't prepare your coffee near open flame or any heat source (ie next to the stove while eggs are cooking).  *POOF* 

Please feel free to add anything you'd like.  I'd like to think all of us in AOL J-Land are a helpful community, ready to embarass themselves in the name of public safety.

******************

Happy Tuesday!!

=)

5 comments:

kuhlhiggins said...

Hi Kris,
Don't stare at the guy in the leather pants in 100 degree weather across the street while in your car. You will rear end the person in front of you. lol. Been there done that. Now I keep my eyes on the road. I enjoyed your entry today.
Love,
Kat

emenemz said...

Hi mommy stupid!!!
Why must you enjoy embarracing storys with your friend the stockers that follow you!!MUHAHA J/K
Im so tired here commenting on your journal with my monkey on the phone!!!
hehe
Emily

akleindyke said...

Kris:

Great entry.  I have been looking forward all weekend to see what you have written.  Thank you for the smart ass remarks and all the dorkiness that you do.  It keeps us others semi- normal.

A.

danielled1 said...

Oh, i love Foamy too, and I really needed some laughs right about now!!!
Thank you!!

~Danielle

http://journals.aol.com/danielled1/Everybodyknows/

jeff466 said...

Dont leave lighters in your car either!  I found out the hard way!  102 degree temperature.  911.  fire department. Geo Metro flambee!  

Foamy the squirrel!  I love it!  Thanks for sharing.  Jeff