Friday, May 6, 2005

A Long Overdue Purge

Just so everyone knows,  I didn't fall off the end of the planet...I'm doing my duck and cover thing.  You know, that thing I do when I'm overwhelmed.  Yeah.  That.

That monstrosity of an exam is next Saturday, May 14, at 7:30 AM.  Five hours.  We have to show up at 6:30 AM.  Joy.  I have been studying during every free moment of each day for the past two weeks, and its starting to wear on me a bit.  As most of my friends know, I suffer from test anxiety in the worst way.  Any little quiz or exam and I'm a wreck.  Fetal position...slowly rocking back and forth...okay, I'm not THAT bad.

This one though....this one's different.  This one actually MEANS something.  This one (if successful) will allow me to add letters to the back of my name.  This one (if successful) will bring the company I work for benefit from sureties, because apparently there'll be some increased level of trust once I have those letters after my name.  I'm taking it with a group of eleven people from the local chapter of the professional organization I belong to, so everyone and their mom will want to know how I did.  My boss, bless his pointy little head, had indicated his plans to "take me out back and snatch me bald headed" if I don't pass.  This one will cost me $600 if I don't pass, because that's the deal I made with my loverly employer.  This one has a high fail rate.

I feel like everyone's watching me. 

I'm skeered.

On top of that, its almost Mothers Day.  I don't like Mothers Day very much.  First off, my mom passed away a few years ago, so its kind of ... well, painful.  I don't really have a mother that I'm close to, or someone I feel like celebrating on that day.  Secondly, it means I have to go visit my parents, which is incredibly stressful.  Let's just say we put the 'fun' in 'dysFUNctional'.  I truly despise family get togethers, just because they always feel very forced, extremely saccharin, and I always feel like I don't belong there.  There's still so much pain that's just right under the surface.

There are good things about this holiday.  Louie's mom, for instance...I love going over there.  Eight kids, and she's just a great mom.  Things are so relaxed and everyone is so loving and affectionate and...real.  Genuine.  I love how excited my daughters get too - they just love doing stuff for me, which is adorable.  I just wish it was postponed this year, or maybe even pushed to my birthday or something.

So anyway, my point (and yes I have one) is that I honestly mean to post more often, but I just need to get next week overwith first.  Then this purge will consist of a bit more than Scalzi assignments....well one can hope, anyway.

As of 12:31 PM next Saturday I'll be a very happy girl, I promise.



kuhlhiggins said...

Good luck with your test next weekend. I am sorry to hear about your mother.

jmorancoyle said...

     Get your mind off of yourself and into your work. You can do this. Make up your mind to put aside your stress. Go back and reread your notes and your study materials, and listen to any taped lectures again. Do it with an open mind. Not with a mind that's cluttered up with 'I can't do this.' You can and you deserve to.

jeff466 said...

Good luck-I'll bet you will do great with all the studying under your belt.  I can already see those letters at the back of your name :)

This does sound stressful though-feeling everyone watching and $600 to boot.  I will be thinking of you on Saturday!!!   Jeff

mikethedawg said...

Ah heck, you'll do just fine on that test. Chin up. Be proud. You know your stuff! I read an article yesterday that said if you listen to a soothing music while preparing for stuff like this that it will help calm and relax you. I suggest Enya, or Eva Cassidy.

tuggertoo2 said...

Why would you feel compelled to visit your father (referenced as "parents" in your journal)  on Mother's Day?  

tuggertoo2 said...

Why would you feel compelled to visit your father (referenced as "parents" in your journal)  on Mother's Day?  

brando5011 said...


Just found this place, it's freakin me out.

And, yes, it's me.  Give me a call sometime. :P