Sunday, October 30, 2005

Attitude Adjustment

I decided my weekend would be spent on adjusting my attitude.  I've been WAY too negative lately.  I really do have a lot to be grateful for, and I love this time of year!

So here's to pumpkin carving, hay rides, corn mazes, candy corn and attitude adjustments.  I just needed a reminder.  This is what its all about.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Journaling and Selfishness and pfft.

A few days ago, I posted a heart-felt journal entry about stuff and things that I'm going through.  I honestly didn't mean to stir up as much dust as I did, but the response I received warrants a response in kind.

As many of my friends have said, our journals are for us.  They can be whatever we need them to be.  Journalling has become a very valuable tool for me, and serves many purposes.  I can keep in touch with my friends, I can post goofy things, I can put up pics of my beautiful daughters... but the purpose behind me posting my marital issues was two-fold:

First, (and I've done this for the longest time) its helpful for me in emotionally intense situations to get things down in writing.  This helps me form my thoughts, get things into perspective, and vent when communications are failing otherwise.  I used to do this in letter form and throw the letters away.  Now I can do it here, and get feedback.  I'm one of those that truly wants to know if she's being ridiculous.

Second, sometimes we need to open things up to group.  We need the "Girlfriend Factor".  So no, you don't know the whole story, but it still helps to know you're here.  Maybe that's a girl thing, but I love the fact that I've got people in my life who back me up.

The comment was made that perhaps people should print out their journal entries so the sig other can read them, to spark communication.  Trust me, in my situation everyone knows exactly what the issues are.  He knows where my journal is, he's fully aware of what's going on - these entries are for my personal edification, not to start arguments.  Lord knows we've had enough of those lately.  This is our space - a safe place to spew, whine, cry or goof about whatever we want.

Besides, when I open up to group I get totally awesome friends stepping in to remind me just how much I love this man and why.  (Thanks Amy!)

Thank you all for the hugs and the squooge.  I really really REALLY needed that.

*****

On a totally different note...TOTALLY different, trust me.

I'm a shoe whore.  I love shoes.  Anyway I just bought a brand new pair of black leather boots and wore them to work and I just couldn't understand why they hurt so badly.  They were tight and hard to walk in, and I was generally bummed.  I walk a lot during the day, and if your shoes hurt it is not a good thing.  Makes for grumpy Krisses.  Bad.

Now these boots are hot, let me tell you.  Black is one of my favorite colors, and these are sexy.  Plus, they're semi-comfortable and look cute with jeans, AND I can wear them to work because the coordinate nicely with other stuff.  (I can wear my goofy tacky socks with them too, and no one knows.)

Anyway, I digress.

So I went home, took them off, and left them for a few days.  The next time I tried them on, I felt something funky inside.  Turns out I never pulled out the little cardboard insert thingies they stick in there for whatever reason. 

(What is that for anyway - so they don't get squished, or so they don't look dorky in the box??) 

So, yes, I'm still the same goofy dorky Kris.  Last year about this time I was going to work all day, attending meetings and going to class with my shirt on inside out.  I also almost went to work with my shower towel on my head.  (Thank you, Louie!)

This year,  I'm wearing cardboard inserts in my shoes.  Its all good.

 

 

 

Y'all can thank Louie for this entry - when I told him about the boot thing, (after he finished guffawing) he suggested I put it in my journal.  So there you go.

<<---Whoa, Check it out!

I made it to 10,000 and no one claimed responsibility!!

Yeah, so I'm a counter addict, and I'm entirely blown away by the 10,000 thing. 

Simple minds, simple pleasures, I imagine.

 

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Blah. Another completely selfish journal entry.

So often I wonder how two totally different people have made it together for such a long time.  17 years age difference, totally different upbringing, completely different moral standards, different cultural backgrounds...all of the things people say shouldn't matter, but eventually they always do. 

Opposites attract, people say.  Well yeah, I guess they do, but for how long? 

How long is the learning curve?  How long do you make allowances for completely different outlooks on life? 

What do you do when you're so completely different, you sometimes wonder why you're still together?

Her:  Outgoing, young(er), optimistic, goofy, completely against illegal drug use of any kind, goes out of her skin if she has to stay inside an entire day, thinks of sitting around watching TV all day as torture, needs to constantly be doing at least 10 things at any given time, HATES being alone, craves constant stimulation, would just as soon cut her own hand off than steal from another person, and loves spending every spare moment with her children.

Him:  Reserved, quiet, old(er), shy, dark cloudish, somewhat liberal moral standards, loves being inside watching the same set of 10 movies over and over, hates being anywhere but home, loves zoning out and sleeping, and enjoys spending time alone.

So now what. 

I'll tell you:  11+ years of trying to make things work, compromise, patience, and more compromise until the compromising causes resentment.

Angry words, hurt feelings, complete communication breakdown, and silence. 

...and still we tread on.  Why?  I have two reasons, both with beautiful brown eyes and worry on their faces. 

Tomorrow's another day.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Hit me with some good news, please...

Some people I know are perfectly content discussing the end of the world as we know it, based on current events - natural disasters and the like.  The trouble is, they love to do this in front of my children.  So now I get questions like, "How do we know that the world is going to explode in 2012?"

So, I just tell them what I know.  I am not entirely sure the rapture is going to happen in 2012.  As a matter of fact, I'm not sure that's what's going on at all.  I think we're doing relatively okay, and they just need to be happy in their own little worlds for now.  Even if the End Times were here...please don't tell my little 8 year old all about the fiery pits of hell and how the dead will rise again, or she'll end up sleeping with mama again.

Sheesh people - push your apocolypse somewhere else, okay?  Leave the spirituality to her parents.  Honestly.

Then I had to go and rent Farenheit 911 and watch it for the first time this weekend, and cry like a baby.  I put it off for all this time because I knew it would piss me off, and it did.  It didn't do a lot of good to watch that - it just sort of cemented what I was afraid to believe for a long time, which ended up being rather depressing.

That being said - someone leave me a bit of GOOD news.  Does anyone have any??

Yeah, the economy sucks and these disasters are kicking our butts, but I have to believe all is not lost.  I think we're going to be okay.  Any one else willing to toss some optimism my way?

Please?

I know Freee made it to Yoga (almost!!) .  I know Kat lost more weight.  I know Andrea has a hall pass from brain activity (I want one!) ... There's gotta be something else.  Anything.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Weight Loss Junk - Stuff That's Worked For Me.

Crazy how a girl's outlook on life can change dramatically with the news that she's lost another 3.2 lbs, for a grand total of 46.2 (at Weight Watchers - I lost 10-15 before that I didn't keep track of too well). 

A few people, (well, mostly Raven) have asked me how I've done so well.  Kris' weight loss success, in 10 easy steps:

First, get pissed.  Get real tired of being treated differently because you're overweight.  Get tired of sleeping horribly, wearing crappy looking clothes, feeling ugly, and feeling tired all the time.  Hold on to the determination and perservere.  Make a commitment to yourself and stick to it.  Find anything you can to remind you and keep you focused.  I happen to use my wedding ring - its very loose now and that's what reminds me of how far I've come.  I am NOT going back.

Second, skip the fads.  Nutrasweet, Jenny Craig, Atkins, SlimFast, the Grapefruit Diet, the Cabbage Soup Diet, the Flavor of the Week Diet, the liquid fasts...fill in the blank.....  Let me save you a couple of thousand dollars - it won't work unless it teaches you how to eat real life food in real life situations.  You're not going to haul prepackaged food with you for the rest of your life, or a shake, or a grapefruit, or whatever.  You'll lose it, but you'll gain it back and it'll bring friends.  Plus, a lot of those things will leave you malnutritioned and ill.  (Like gout, ill.)  It took you several years to put the weight on, it'll take awhile to get it off.  Quick fixes don't work, unless you're willing to risk your life and many thousands of dollars on gastric bypass.

Third, lose the cola.  All of it, but especially diet cola.  I swear I HATE admitting this out loud, but this weight would have been gone years ago if I'd have known that.  (I miss it soooo much!)

Fourth, keep track of what you eat.  Every BLT (bite, lick, taste).  You'll be surprised.  You say, "But I don't eat that much!".  Trust me honey, you do.  Then, find out what you're supposed to be eating and make sure what you consume is under that calorie level. Check out usda.gov for specifics.  Lower fat, follow the food pyramid, keep the sugar to a minimum.  Don't bulk up on any one thing - if you can't eat like real people, something's wrong.

Fifth, drink tons and I do mean tons of water.  I drink about 160 ounces while I'm at work, and more while I'm at home.  Squeeze some limes into it, drink the Dansani flavored stuff - whatever it takes.

Sixth, eat breakfast.  Not pancakes and biscuits and gravy, but something good for you.  A bowl of cereal, a cup of yogurt or a piece of fruit.  Eat something.

Seventh, exercise.  Burn more calories than you eat.  Even walking 15 minutes.  Play with your kids.  Hide the remote.  Do something.  Move.  I know it sucks, and its hard and it hurts at first.  Keep at it.  What they don't tell you (or maybe they do) is that once you do it for a while you start to crave it.  It starts to make you feel amazing.  You start sleeping better.  You have more energy to do more things.  I can now do 3 flights of stairs without passing out.  That's huge!  You do NOT have to go to the gym and lament over all the beautiful women with butt floss walking around - find something you like.  Start by parking the car farther, just do something.

Eighth, refocus.  If you're truly starving, eat, but try to figure it out first.  Are you bored?  Get up and walk around.  Drink some water.  Still hungry?  Wait 20 minutes.  STILL hungry?  Eat, but eat something healthy, bulky, and preferably raw and preferably vegetable.

Ninth, become a grazer.  Eat little amounts, often.  I probably eat 6 or 7 times a day.  Don't eat after 7 or 8 PM if you can help it, and make lunch bigger than dinner.

Tenth, find a friend to support you, or find a group to do it with.  Don't try to do it alone unless you're a hermit.  There's lots of free weight loss groups out there, and Weight Watchers is pretty reasonable.

DISCLAIMER:  I am by no means an authority on this issue, other than the fact that I've been overweight since my second daughter was born 8 1/2 years ago, and downright fat until I got my asthma under control.  I hit a plateau this summer and gave up diet coke, and its been downhill ever since. 

I'm always looking for comiserators, or for sources of support, so please feel free to e-mail me anytime.  Also, check out Kat on my favorites list - she's reached her goal already and may have much more to add (feel free, Kat!)

Monday, October 10, 2005

Freeform word vomit

...because Andrea said it was cool to do this stuff, and reminded me who this journal was for - ME!

*****

SoI'm sitting here, frustrated as hell, mad at myself, hormones raging, head aching and heart pumping ...for what.  Its that whole deferred gratification thing. Yeah, swimming and swimming and treading water and getting swept back out into the abyss and for what.  Deferred gratification.  I'm always working for that thing, if I can just get here or do that or once I get here I'll be okay but lately I never am. 

The funny thing - hilarious, even - is that the only one I have to blame for my flood of responsibility is me.  I work so hard to please everyone, including myself, and my life should be so damn good I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. 

Is that a female thing?  Never being satisfied with any current situation?  Always requiring just one thing to complain about?  It could be something as simple as the ambient temperature, or the way your phone rings all the time, or the way it doesn't...it could be the price of fuel, or the price of milk, or the price of weight loss programs...it could be the way you're always getting sucked in to some new volunteer thing for your kids, or how you miss having to volunteer at the school for your kids....or the way you're bored at work, or the way you're overwhelmed at work. 

Are we just never satisfied?

Am I just never satisfied?

I'm realizing just now that maybe my constant unsatisfaction has some benefits.  I wasn't satisfied with my marital situation the first time so I left.  Yes, I handled it wrong, but I left.  I wasn't satisfied making $7 an hour managing a Pizza Hut so I fixed it.  I wasn't happy being 200+ pounds, so I fixed it - I'm still fixing.  (I promise I'll post what works for me as soon as I can.)  I wasn't happy working with my family so I found the best job I've ever had.  Every significant change I'm responsible for was due to unsatisfaction of some sort.

So I take inventory regularly.  I do have a job I love with the best boss ever.  I have wonderful children.  I have shelter, and food, and a great car and the means to provide for myself and my kids.  I have wonderful squishable dogs that I love to pieces.  I still enjoy cartoons and kid movies, and I love to laugh.  We haven't experienced any horrific natural disasters in New Mexico - I have so much to be grateful for.  Life.. is good.  I'm not one of those pessimistic black-cloud-over-everything types of people.  I need to love and laugh and live and everything else.  Life...is good.

Given that, what the hell is wrong with me?  Why am I constantly unsatisfied with everything?  Why must I always have one unsettling thing in my life - a stumbling block or obstacle - why must I always have to focus all my energy on whatever thing until its gone and I find a new unsatisfactory thing in my life?

Stuff.  Is.  Not.  That.  Bad.

Maybe its the ADHD, maybe its the Gemini in me - I'm always seeking new interests or new stimulation from somewhere.  Whether its a dangerous addiction to someone who I know is bad for me and my heart (I liken this individual to the snake in the Jungle Book - just like Pamela said about Tommy), or its a new hobby I'll throw tons of money at but never truly pursue, or if its a new college major.  (I won't switch, I promise)  I contantly crave new stimuli, and the assigned reading and coursework isn't doing it for me.

So here's my selfish, whiny, dorky journal entry.  I'm going to shake this off, honest.

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Purgin'

I realize just how much my journal sucketh these days, and I miss it like crazy.  Its just...well, its just everything.  I'm getting there though, swimming, treading water, whatever it is.  Slow and steady. 

I was going to try and keep these purges to a minimum, and stick to the one-subject kinda entries, but when has that ever worked for me?? 

Never.  So the randomosity continues...

****

A list of excuses for not journaling/being a better friend/exercising as much/sleeping as much/reducing my stress level:

CFMA Board Member

CFMA Community Service Committee

CFMA Salary Survey Committee

CFMA Banquet Committee

CFMA Chapter Awards Committee

NUCA Marketing/Membership Committee

Assistant Girl Scout Troop Leader

Full time controller for a busy construction firm

Half time student

Mom of two beautiful wonderful intelligent happy talented daughters

Now, please join me in saying "Kris will not take on any more crapola or volunteer her time for anything else until her plate empties a bit".

I am working on the word "No".  I've danced around it, worked around it, tried to be nice about it.  I'm spent.

Thank you.  Thankyewverymuch.

****

Random question:  Does anyone else think Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court is a sacrificial lamb for Gonzales?  I mean, now he can say..."Well, I nominated a woman, but y'all wouldn't vote her in."  Again, Harriett who?

Like Leno says, "Now hiring for Supreme Court Justice - No Experience Necessary"

Whatever.

***

I had to purchase new winter clothes because my others are all too big.  Do y'all realize what an awesome feeling that is?  Having to buy clothes because you're swimming in the ones you have?

I'm digging it.

***

True story:

At one time, one of my dearest closest friends was an absolutely wonderful woman I went to college with in the early years (12 years ago).  Over time we lost touch - she got married, I got married, she graduated...

This weekend at Saggio's, I'm sitting in a booth facing south, and she's sitting in an adjacent booth facing north.  BAYUM!  It was like a long overdue reunion - tears being shed, a scene being made, loud laughter ensuing...

Turns out she just lost her father, and was feeling quite lonely and sad, when *POOF* ... Kris appears to make her smile and bring her a little bit of joy.

What an awesome feeling. 

***

Speaking of long lost friends, if A-ho happens to be reading this.  CONTACT ME NOW.  No arguments.  I miss you, and I'm tired of leaving messages.

***

My daughter begged me for what I thought was candy corn yesterday at Walgreen's.  So I bought her a dollar's worth, and it turns out to be "Indian Corn".  I don't name the stuff, I know its politically incorrect and things, but anyway, I digress....

The stuff was horrid.  Wretched, even.

Why mess with a beautiful thing like candy corn?  Just sayin', its Halloween season, don't fool with the classics.

****

This lyric is for my purposes only, based on an unhealthy addiction I have.

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby, hold on tight

Oh cuz I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

--Kelly Clarkson, Beautiful Disaster

Yeah, its scary, I know.  Trust me, I know.

****

So in an effort to try to make this journal suck a whole lot less, I hereby pledge to post something random, silly, or what I consider funny on a more regular basis.

I hope all of you are doing wonderfully, and I miss you guys tons.

Happy Humpday!

=)