Monday, October 10, 2005

Freeform word vomit

...because Andrea said it was cool to do this stuff, and reminded me who this journal was for - ME!


SoI'm sitting here, frustrated as hell, mad at myself, hormones raging, head aching and heart pumping ...for what.  Its that whole deferred gratification thing. Yeah, swimming and swimming and treading water and getting swept back out into the abyss and for what.  Deferred gratification.  I'm always working for that thing, if I can just get here or do that or once I get here I'll be okay but lately I never am. 

The funny thing - hilarious, even - is that the only one I have to blame for my flood of responsibility is me.  I work so hard to please everyone, including myself, and my life should be so damn good I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. 

Is that a female thing?  Never being satisfied with any current situation?  Always requiring just one thing to complain about?  It could be something as simple as the ambient temperature, or the way your phone rings all the time, or the way it doesn' could be the price of fuel, or the price of milk, or the price of weight loss could be the way you're always getting sucked in to some new volunteer thing for your kids, or how you miss having to volunteer at the school for your kids....or the way you're bored at work, or the way you're overwhelmed at work. 

Are we just never satisfied?

Am I just never satisfied?

I'm realizing just now that maybe my constant unsatisfaction has some benefits.  I wasn't satisfied with my marital situation the first time so I left.  Yes, I handled it wrong, but I left.  I wasn't satisfied making $7 an hour managing a Pizza Hut so I fixed it.  I wasn't happy being 200+ pounds, so I fixed it - I'm still fixing.  (I promise I'll post what works for me as soon as I can.)  I wasn't happy working with my family so I found the best job I've ever had.  Every significant change I'm responsible for was due to unsatisfaction of some sort.

So I take inventory regularly.  I do have a job I love with the best boss ever.  I have wonderful children.  I have shelter, and food, and a great car and the means to provide for myself and my kids.  I have wonderful squishable dogs that I love to pieces.  I still enjoy cartoons and kid movies, and I love to laugh.  We haven't experienced any horrific natural disasters in New Mexico - I have so much to be grateful for.  Life.. is good.  I'm not one of those pessimistic black-cloud-over-everything types of people.  I need to love and laugh and live and everything else. good.

Given that, what the hell is wrong with me?  Why am I constantly unsatisfied with everything?  Why must I always have one unsettling thing in my life - a stumbling block or obstacle - why must I always have to focus all my energy on whatever thing until its gone and I find a new unsatisfactory thing in my life?

Stuff.  Is.  Not.  That.  Bad.

Maybe its the ADHD, maybe its the Gemini in me - I'm always seeking new interests or new stimulation from somewhere.  Whether its a dangerous addiction to someone who I know is bad for me and my heart (I liken this individual to the snake in the Jungle Book - just like Pamela said about Tommy), or its a new hobby I'll throw tons of money at but never truly pursue, or if its a new college major.  (I won't switch, I promise)  I contantly crave new stimuli, and the assigned reading and coursework isn't doing it for me.

So here's my selfish, whiny, dorky journal entry.  I'm going to shake this off, honest.


ravenlark2 said...

I think it's just a woman thing hun. We're picky at best and down right impossible to please at worst....least we're cute though huh? LOL

I hope things get more bearable for you soon. Can't wait to hear those weight loss secrets either. ;-)


boiseladie said...

You are driven by your inner self...  that's a good thing!  You shouldn't settle for less than what you want or what makes you happy.  So, you're doing good.

lurkynat said...

very cute... and reflective

jeff466 said...

Yuck, what a feeling to have.  I have times like that where I feel like these things pop up and I have to use all my energy to fix it and it takes away from everything good in my life so I feel like I can't enjoy.  

Someone told me that it's a test!?  hmm, from who and why???!!  

I hope you can love and laugh and live despite it all :)  Jeff