Thursday, March 9, 2006

A most necessary purge

I haven't felt like writing much lately.  I'm having one of those periods where my world is spinning out of control and I get to just stand here helplessly watching.  All I can do is tackle one single day/hour/minute at a time.

My attitude has basically stunk lately, and I'm not quite sure why.  I'm snippy, short-tempered, frustrated, have this stupid spoiled entitlement attitude, and I'm completely unmotivated.  My life has literally never been better than it is at this very moment, and my attitude sucks.  I think its time for inventory, ladies and gentlemen.

I told off my neice the other night.  Not just a little tell off either - a major one.  I unloaded 4 years of stuff that's been stuffed deep deep deep way down to the bottom.  I was emotional, I cried and ranted and raved and cussed and trembled.  I scared my kids.  I think my stress level allowed it to volcano into something that couldn't be stopped once it started.  I'm not sure how to fix it now, or if I should even bother, but its bugging me.  I've sat there silent while these individuals have dissed gay people in my presence for so many years, all in the name of keeping peace.

I'm not doing it anymore.  Its akin to keeping quiet when someone tells a racist joke.  Its not funny, its not acceptable, and I'm not going to be quiet and stand down and let people get away with hateful behavior.

Ever since my Alberto passed in 2002, I've watched the family slowly turn away.  Most of you know that Alberto died after suffering with AIDS for over a decade.  This has turned into my cause - I do the AIDS walk each year, I push testing, I volunteer, I raise money...these people have gradually turned from this. They "don't want to support gay people".  I can't believe, after watching him die like we did, that they could even let thoughts like this enter their minds. They want to turn their noses down at gay people because its "sinful", but they'll cheat on their spouses and lie to their bosses and steal from their jobs.  Then they proceed to lecture my children about how sinful gay people are. 

hold up.

Most of you know that you can do pretty much anything you want to me, but you involve my kids and bad stuff happens.  My children will not be taught to hate.  They will not be taught to judge other people.  Most of all, they will not be party to hypocracy.  I have no problem with them attending a church that is OPEN AND AFFIRMING to all that actually follows the "thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged" part of the deal.

Moreover, I honestly feel that if you are going to follow one verse in one chapter of the Bible, you need to follow each and every one of them.  In other words, if you're going to lean so hard into Leviticus - embrace it ALL.  Stop eating shellfish.  Stop eating unblessed/unclean food.  Stop working on Sundays.  If one portion of Leviticus is outdated, then ALL of it is.  Its interesting that when I bring this up, they claim that portion of the Bible is outdated because its the Old Testament.  If one part is outdated, then ALL of it is.  (Sidenote:  please, before anyone proceeds to argue with me - go and read Leviticus in its entirety.  then we can proceed with a discussion.  Thanks in advance.)

So I embrace a young girl who's coming out for the first time.  Her family has turned on her - called her an embarassment.  I open my heart and my home to her, and tell her she'll always be welcome and safe in my house.  I tell her its okay to feel what she's feeling, that a loving God would never tell us who we could and couldn't love.  A loving God would never exclude someone based on something they had no control over.  Then I sit back and watch a "religious" idiot poison her mind, watch her suffer the internal conflict of what she feels and needs versus what the church tells her is okay to feel and need.  I love this child so much that I want her to have a place she can turn. I don't want her to end up a suicide statistic - a victim of a family who's shunned her, as so many do.

I give up.  I mean, obviously I can't change how these people are - how hateful they've become.  For some reason, I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one's listening.  I know I can't change the world, but that doesn't mean I have to accept something that's so fundamentally wrong.  Anyone who's known Albert or heard me talk about him knows that he was one of the most beautiful souls ever to walk this earth.  He was one of the most godly men I knew - humble, kind, giving, loving, accepting - a true friend.

I've watched "Christians" spit on AIDS patients coming from doctor visits.  I've seen similar people spray painting evil things on their cars.  I've heard them say they got what they deserved, and that God doesn't love them because they're gay.  ( I still want to know what the sin for cancer is.)

I've been on this spiritual quest for years now - desperately trying to understand why the religion I embraced for so long...well I should say the people involved in the religion I embraced for so long...could be so hateful.  How can you just blindly accept something to be fact when that thing involves being hateful and mean to another human being?  I can't get past that, and until I can, the quest will continue.

I'll still be here for her.  She'll always have a place where she'll be loved no matter what.  She'll always be able to be herself here.  If doing that sends me to hell, then I suppose I've already got a road paved for me.



Blah.  This turned into a rant and I didn't want it to.  Its therapy.  Please deal with it for a little while, at least until I decide to delete it. 

Now back to our regularly scheduled, normal-acting, positive, optimistic happy-go-lucky Kris.




kuhlhiggins said...

That is so sad Kris that you have to go through stuff like this. I really commend you on your help with AIDS. I am sending you a big hug.

donah42 said...

{{{{Kris}}}} Keep on fighting the good fight. You might not be able to change the whole world, but you can make your corner of it a much better place...

luvmort said...


artloner said...

 We are listening. I AM listening. And I thank you for your stance.


cneinhorn said...

I never understood how some people can worship God and their Bible, but not treat another human being with dignity and respect.  where is the humanity I wonder sometimes.  

deniden said...

I came here by way of Mortimer. What an amazing entry - obviously written by an intelligent, caring and thoughtful person. There should be more people like you in the world spreading this word! Best wishes to you and all you know.


dizarra said...

Here here! ~Diane~                                                                                                    

cubbycub said...

Came here by way of Mortimer's entry in his Blog..I must say..simply amazing have every right to feel what you are feeling and want to do what you want to do..Keep on keeping on.  Powerful words and powerful thoughts.

lv2trnscrb said...

Mortimer had a link to this entry in his journal. I'm so sorry for your pain and the pain of this young girl. I'm not going to debate religion with you; I'm just going to say what I said to Mortimer. It is a sin in the Lord's eye. However, I'm a Christ follower; not a religious person; there is a difference. Leviticus is the Old Testament; under the Law. Romans 1:18-25 is the New Testament under the saving grace of Jesus. God loves everyone; but hates the sin. I try to live my life the same way. I love the person, but hate the sin. Hope that makes sense.

I think you are an honorable woman for opening your home to this young woman.


astaryth said...

Came here by way of Mort... and I have to say...


gdireneoe said...

((((((kristeen))))))  You're my kind of chica hon''s never fun being principled. ;)  C.

philadlfiagrl said...


I applaud and agree with your words, wholeheartedly.  The only things Christians should "practice" that they should work on daily are the Golden Rule; Whoever has not sinned cast the first stone; and AS I HAVE LOVED U< LOVE ONE ANOTHER

everything else is bullsh*t


csandhollow said...

Like you , I cannot understand how anyone can turn their back like that. God is love. Very powerful entry. Chills went down my spine and tesars to my eyes.

alphamoon65 said...

I just came from Mortimers, and he spoke of your entry.  It shocks me ppl treat each other like that, and use the bible in whatever way they see fit.  I think the "christians" that treat other ppl like that are no better than the ppl in Iraq that twist that religion around and do things like suicide bombings...same concept...lets take this ideal of religion and change into a type of hate...and actual hate crimes.  Wonderful and touching entry.  Thanks for sharing.  Take care,

bigbobwolf said...


iamasillygirl said...

Good for you! My family is that way. They say being gay is bad though they support the AIDS epidemic. What would these people say to know that 85% of the worlds AIDS victims are heterosexual? Would they say oh, well they live in Africa. It must be because God hates black people? It sounds like it. They are closed minded idiots and you are a gift to the world. Keeps striving for excellence. You are fabulous and a gift! Megan

plittle said...

Don't worry, Kris. You're not going to hell.

cdittric77 said...

I found this entry through the carnivAOL, and thank you for sharing.

Those people may have called themselves Christians, they may have physical sight, but their souls are blind if they turn to hate others.

God IS perfect love. he loves each one of us as we are, with all the crosses we carry. It is our job to carry those crosses as best we can - and to have others love us for doing so - not hate us!

That hypocrisy is maddening and they, I argue, are Fundamentalists - not Christians. Extremeism perverts any religion, Catholicism, Protestent, Evangelical, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, or Hinddu.

You go!


sunflowerkat321 said...

It's so sad how so many can twist religion to support turning their backs on what they fear or do not understand.   Walking with God is opening our hearts and minds to all people.  I'm just thankful that this young woman has found refuge with you...where she can be at peace with who she is.

teesbabe00 said...

Hi there! I found your journal through carnivaol. I like your journal :) I think you are doing a wonderful thing for that young girl! Thanks for sharing!


elleme2 said...

An excellent "rant."  Silence has its place but there comes a time when speaking up is crucial.  And somehow, I don't think you're the one that will be going to Hell.  

mumma4evr said...

great entry!  My brother died of AIDS. I found it amazing that people just "knew" he was gay.  He wasn't, he got it from bad blood.  I found it amazing that when we ( family) needed help,it was the Gay community that helped us, not our Christian brothers and sisters.

kaydeejay5449 said...

God bless you're loving heart.  I'm a Christian who feels the way you do.  If Jesus were walking the earth today he would be ministering to the Gay community with love.  Shame on those who feel it's up to them to do the condemning.

I just found your journal today.  I'm new to journaling and have found it to be a great way of unloading my feelings about many issues in my life right now.

I'll pray for your continued strength today.  Your daughters are blessed to have a Mom like you.

Kathy Jauert

heathermarie3073 said...

This is my first time reading your journal and I really liked what you had to say in this entry, I strongly agree with what you had to say.  What an awesome point you had about embracing all of Leviticus (sp) rather than one little bit to support something so ignorant as gays being sinful.  My father is gay, has been with his partner for almost 10 years and I've never seen him happier.  His partner is the sweetest, most caring man, my sister and I both love him to death.  We both have fully embraced my father and his partner.  I think no differently of him for finally coming out about his sexuality.  I hate when people say that it's a choice that they make (being gay).  That's one of the most ignorant remarks.  Who would choose to be gay?  Who would choose to get random beatings by men who feel more "macho" by doing so.  Who would choose the harder path in life, to be shunned by friends, family and strangers all because of a sexual preference?  So even though you mentioned the entry being a "rant" as you put it (I think), I liked what you had to say.  I'm sorry about your friend, I don't know how long ago he passed away, but I am sorry that this world is now less one very special, caring, and generous soul.  
xoxoxo Heather

rainbowdragon261 said...

I conpletely agree with your feelings about how mean spirited people can be. It is obiviously wrong to raise children to hate. I am 45 and only came out slowly over the past 5 years. I really liked your comment about "if AIDS is punishment for being gay what is the sin for cancer." I wish I had someone there for me who would help me understand my feelings and support me. I think that you must be a very caring person to help this young person in her struggles to be herself and Not what everybody else thinks she should be.I came out to my sister first. It took her awhile but she pretty much now accepts me as I am.  What and where is that church you talked about. That is the kind of church I would like to attend.   I wish you and your young friend the best of luck. If you would like to respond or correspond with me I'm  Darcie.

dizarra said...

Just stopping by to see if you have made an entry-and low and behold-you have not; I kind of know how your feeling, Kris, I too suffer from Aids, {OK-I said it,
now lets see how many people shun me here in the journals! it WILL happen}
I found out in 1989, so I guess I'm one of the lucky one's, {yeah, right-lucky???}
I'm still here! I also have Hep.C, so between the two, I have my share of sickness,
although better than a few years ago; I bet I'm not the only one wondering where
you are-I'm sure everyone {like Mort, for one} would like to know how your are
doing.....stop by my journal to say hello or drop me a note if you want/need to talk

dizarra said...

COME BACK! ~Diane~