I haven't felt like writing much lately. I'm having one of those periods where my world is spinning out of control and I get to just stand here helplessly watching. All I can do is tackle one single day/hour/minute at a time.
My attitude has basically stunk lately, and I'm not quite sure why. I'm snippy, short-tempered, frustrated, have this stupid spoiled entitlement attitude, and I'm completely unmotivated. My life has literally never been better than it is at this very moment, and my attitude sucks. I think its time for inventory, ladies and gentlemen.
I told off my neice the other night. Not just a little tell off either - a major one. I unloaded 4 years of stuff that's been stuffed deep deep deep way down to the bottom. I was emotional, I cried and ranted and raved and cussed and trembled. I scared my kids. I think my stress level allowed it to volcano into something that couldn't be stopped once it started. I'm not sure how to fix it now, or if I should even bother, but its bugging me. I've sat there silent while these individuals have dissed gay people in my presence for so many years, all in the name of keeping peace.
I'm not doing it anymore. Its akin to keeping quiet when someone tells a racist joke. Its not funny, its not acceptable, and I'm not going to be quiet and stand down and let people get away with hateful behavior.
Ever since my Alberto passed in 2002, I've watched the family slowly turn away. Most of you know that Alberto died after suffering with AIDS for over a decade. This has turned into my cause - I do the AIDS walk each year, I push testing, I volunteer, I raise money...these people have gradually turned from this. They "don't want to support gay people". I can't believe, after watching him die like we did, that they could even let thoughts like this enter their minds. They want to turn their noses down at gay people because its "sinful", but they'll cheat on their spouses and lie to their bosses and steal from their jobs. Then they proceed to lecture my children about how sinful gay people are.
Most of you know that you can do pretty much anything you want to me, but you involve my kids and bad stuff happens. My children will not be taught to hate. They will not be taught to judge other people. Most of all, they will not be party to hypocracy. I have no problem with them attending a church that is OPEN AND AFFIRMING to all people...one that actually follows the "thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged" part of the deal.
Moreover, I honestly feel that if you are going to follow one verse in one chapter of the Bible, you need to follow each and every one of them. In other words, if you're going to lean so hard into Leviticus - embrace it ALL. Stop eating shellfish. Stop eating unblessed/unclean food. Stop working on Sundays. If one portion of Leviticus is outdated, then ALL of it is. Its interesting that when I bring this up, they claim that portion of the Bible is outdated because its the Old Testament. If one part is outdated, then ALL of it is. (Sidenote: please, before anyone proceeds to argue with me - go and read Leviticus in its entirety. then we can proceed with a discussion. Thanks in advance.)
So I embrace a young girl who's coming out for the first time. Her family has turned on her - called her an embarassment. I open my heart and my home to her, and tell her she'll always be welcome and safe in my house. I tell her its okay to feel what she's feeling, that a loving God would never tell us who we could and couldn't love. A loving God would never exclude someone based on something they had no control over. Then I sit back and watch a "religious" idiot poison her mind, watch her suffer the internal conflict of what she feels and needs versus what the church tells her is okay to feel and need. I love this child so much that I want her to have a place she can turn. I don't want her to end up a suicide statistic - a victim of a family who's shunned her, as so many do.
I give up. I mean, obviously I can't change how these people are - how hateful they've become. For some reason, I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one's listening. I know I can't change the world, but that doesn't mean I have to accept something that's so fundamentally wrong. Anyone who's known Albert or heard me talk about him knows that he was one of the most beautiful souls ever to walk this earth. He was one of the most godly men I knew - humble, kind, giving, loving, accepting - a true friend.
I've watched "Christians" spit on AIDS patients coming from doctor visits. I've seen similar people spray painting evil things on their cars. I've heard them say they got what they deserved, and that God doesn't love them because they're gay. ( I still want to know what the sin for cancer is.)
I've been on this spiritual quest for years now - desperately trying to understand why the religion I embraced for so long...well I should say the people involved in the religion I embraced for so long...could be so hateful. How can you just blindly accept something to be fact when that thing involves being hateful and mean to another human being? I can't get past that, and until I can, the quest will continue.
I'll still be here for her. She'll always have a place where she'll be loved no matter what. She'll always be able to be herself here. If doing that sends me to hell, then I suppose I've already got a road paved for me.
Blah. This turned into a rant and I didn't want it to. Its therapy. Please deal with it for a little while, at least until I decide to delete it.
Now back to our regularly scheduled, normal-acting, positive, optimistic happy-go-lucky Kris.