Monday, October 20, 2008

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Strange how just when you get comfy, the universe pulls the rug out from underneath you, shakes it violently to get all the sand and crap out of it, turns it upside down and puts it back.

Everything in my life, every aspect of my life, is going through some sort of adjustment right now. My job isn't so secure anymore. My marriage is kaput, and I've recognized it and am making the proper adjustments (with a little nudging from my cheerleaders). My oldest is in her senior year of high school and getting ready to do the college education thing. My youngest has started junior high - ack the tween thing. Let it be done! - and adjusting just fine. I'm looking for a new place, and starting everything over.

The crazy thing is that the longer I'm involved in this change thing, the better things become. I'm excited about having my own place, where I can walk around scratchin myself. I'm excited about going through all of our mountains of crap and getting rid of useless junk. I'm excited about where my oldest is going and all the things she'll get to do and see. I'm excited (and scared!) for my youngest, but its so awesome watching her grow and learn.

I've mourned the loss of what we had here in worksville, and I'm ready to see what's around the corner. I hope to Elvis I get to stay here. I love it here and I love what I do and I love the people I work with. But, I might not get to stay here, and ... know what? That's just fine too. I've done graduated and I've got years of experience behind me and letters behind my name. I've got friends and colleagues and I know how to network. I will have the opportunity to teach others how to do what I do. I'll be fine. We'll be fine.

I've mourned the death of my marriage as well. 13 years is a long damn time to be together. As 0ur family physician put it so delicately... "Kris, there's a fine line between loyalty and stupidity. You're a saint." Yanno, not so much. I've got so much life to live and so much love to give. I grew tired of my relationship checkbook always being overdrawn. I'm just tired. The only thing worse than being lied to (more times than I care to think about or remember) is the knowledge that you were never (in that person's eyes) worth the truth. Enough said. I will always and forever love him, as he's the father of my baby and been a father to my other baby, but I'm tired of living a lie. I'm no saint. I'm no angel. I'm not perfect. I'm not a lot of things. I tried for almost 20 years to be someone I'm not, and its destroying me. Its time to be me. Take it or leave it. I'm through making apologies for who I am.

Fate, as accidental as it was, has led me to happiness. I can see it. Its within my reach. In this case, the grass really is greener. This is what I've been waiting for. Its as if I'm sitting here, fascinated, watching the pieces of the puzzle that's my life fall into place. I don't even really have to do very much. The Master Plan is coming to fruition, and I just have to make sure I'm listening and paying attention. If I get the cues right, everything will be as it should be.

My mom once told me that her 30's were the best time of her life. That's when you start making decisions for yourself without trying to please everyone else in the process. That's when your confidence kicks in and gives you the gumption you lacked before. I'm finally doing things that are best for me, and it feels freakin wonderful. I'm not scared as much of what others will think or what's best for them. Its about my kids (first, always, no matter what) and me. What's best for us right now? What will bring us joy and happiness?

Sometimes this means separating from poisonous people, even if we still love them very much. Sometimes this means ignoring what's best for others and doing what's best for us. Its doing the little things that bring smiles and positivity. We don't have to go anywhere or do anything. We can be us, and that's okay.

I watched The Holiday this weekend. Chick flick, I know, shaddap. There's a scene in the movie where one of the characters is describing this horrible heartbreak she's suffering, and the man she's eating dinner with says something to the effect of...Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.

From now on, I'm the leading lady in my own life. Holy crap this feels awesome.

5 comments:

Martha said...

Sounds like wonderful times ahead, and sure sounds like you're more than ready for the changes! Congrats and good luck! :-)

Unhinged said...

Hey, stranger.

Kind of funny how the end of one thing brings us back to the sorta-kinda-beginning of a thing...

You seem like you're in a much better place than I was when my life changed (divorce, change of jobs, new state/city).

Attitude is everything, aye-yep. Hugs, big hugs.

You can do it, whatever comes.

Judith HeartSong said...

You hang in there Kristeena... it gets better and easier and making the choices YOU want to make for a change is awesome.

Indigo said...

I came alive, truly alive at 38. I awoke up stopped the abusive relationships and found the high in life. I called it taking my life off autopilot and having a hand in my own destination. Sounds like your handling the changes with class and courage. (Hugs)Indigo

cw2smom said...

Great post Kris! I especially love the Leading Lady part!! I too am becoming the the Leading Lady in my life's script and I am enjoying the changes! Taking care of Numero Uno is AWESOME! What a concept! Continued good luck!! Blessings! Lisa