Y'all know how I roll. I try to find the good in every situation or experience (shaddap. I do try to, I'm just not always successful).
So the current hell I find myself in has some wonderful points:
1) I no longer am hiding anything from the people closest to me. Well almost all of those people, anyway.
There is no longer a giant stinky glowing laughing skeleton in my closet, and that big monkey on my back?
2) I have discovered who I can (and cannot) count on when hell arrives on my doorstep and makes itself comfy.
I had an e-mail from my beautiful wonderful sister-in-law (brother's wife) that
made me cry happy tears last night. The best line in that e-mail that I'll remember for the rest of my life..."...and you are OUR family". That's just a smidge of the support that's been pouring in from people that I know (now) that care about me. Its nice to have that reaffirmed, I just wish it didn't take a crisis to remember that people love me. I should just know and I'm the stupid one for not knowing.
3) I can find pleasure in simple things.
Like the way my lil dog snuggles up next to me, lays his head in my lap and looks at me as if to say "its all good mama". Or the incredible kindness and helpfulness that comes from my oldest. Or the way my youngest gives the best neck hugs, or her crazy laugh. Or that end of the day purge ritual with Sue that just makes everything okay. Or just how amazingly blue the sky is today...
One simply must not take anything at all in this world for granted. When you become attached to something is exactly the point in time when the universe decides you need to become detached from it. So my job is not secure. No one's is right now. This is my opportunity. I could find something with more security that provides more professional growth. Companies are always going to need people to count their money. Until we switch back to bartering, I think I'm good. I have been at the rock bottom - on welfare, on food stamps, starving - and I've made it out. I can do this. I can handle it. Change is good.
Change is good.
5.) I know now that settling is for wusses.
I deserve every happiness. I deserve to be cherished and loved enough to be told the truth. I deserve to be with someone that wants to be with me. I deserve companionship and honesty and love. I don't have to put anyone (except my kids) before my own personal comfort and well-being unless I choose to.
6.) I know that everything's going to be fine.
I came out of my last two hells (1994 and 2002) stronger, better, happier and more confident. This is the dawn of a new era. A housecleaning, so to speak. I'll be stronger, better, happier and more confident on the other side. Best of all, I'm finally being true to myself. Its a good feeling.
Doesn't mean I'm not scared to death, though.
7.) My kids are more mature than I ever realized.
They're also happiest when I'm happy too. I was scared and hesitating and it was totally unnecessary. They never cease to amaze me. They are hands-down the two best humans on this earth. Its unconditional love, and it never waivers. They're awesome.
8.) There's two catalysts out there responsible for the biggest changes in my life.
One, I'd like to strangle and/or flying bitch slap (when a regular one just won't do) for a complete lack of judgement and otherwise selfish behavior. The other I thank the gods for every single day. The single brightest light happiest ending best story ever, and it makes everything else worth while. Thank you Cornelius for being that light at the end of my very dim tunnel.
9.) I have met the COOLEST people during this process.
Those who have been there/done that, those who have opened their hearts and shared their stories with me, and those who have just quietly supported me by just their presence. (dang that sounded Obama-ish). There are a bunch of bloggers out there that I read religiously just because I can look at their lives now and go "that'll be me in a couple of years". I do it mostly anonymously, because otherwise I'd seem a little...cyberstalker-like. They're all in my favorites list. There are countless others, and they do NOT include Joe the Plumber.
So here's my preemptive and premature thankfulness entry. There will be more. I'm trying to find something to be grateful for every single day.